


The Freshmen Invasion

by orphan_account



Category: DCAU - Fandom, DCU, DCU (Animated), Young Justice, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:26:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Justice drabbles or oneshots mainly centered on the freshmen of the team because they really don't get enough love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cuties
> 
> Not enough is shown of these cuties so I will write them a fic. But some stuff will be assumed slash carried over from comics whenever I need to fill a gap.
> 
> Also, in the YJ comic it kind of seemed like Tim lived with Bruce. I know they redivvied the years of stuff in the YJ!verse so I will work under the assumption that Tim's dad is already gone. This means both Tim and Dick have already been adopted.

Today is  _the_ day.

"Relax, Tim."

Tim turns to see Dick grinning at him.

"Nervous much?"

I'm not nervous. I don't know what you are talking about. You're confused, it's how you live your life. I understand, but please don't force your confusion onto me. Nervous. Psh."

"Awww, Dick. The baby is all flustered," Barbara says, reaching over and rustling Tim's hair.

Tim ducks out of Babs' only to have Dick grab his waist and haul him up, laughing like some deranged maniac.

"You sound like a pneumonic, dying cat. Let go!"

"Nope."

"Bruce!"

Bruce barely spares them a glance before looking back at his computer. Tim doesn't even think he's looking _at_ anything, just using the computer screen as a ploy to cleverly deny the existence of his protégés. It's a working theory--Tim will look into it.

"He's your brother."

_"You raised him."_

 "Don't even bother," Dick says, "Bruce has developed a zero accountability system in all matters pertaining to me."

"How does that even work?"

"Extreme and well-practiced denial. B is the master."

* * *

 

Jaime walks into the cave and sees Roy (the original one that isn't the one that's been around which is all kinds of confusing) looking that special brand of worried. The one that tells Jaime that there's nothing seriously wrong, but something is definitely  _seriously wrong._

"The fridge door hit Robin in the nose and he's been yelling at it for about half an hour."

Oh, so it's one of  _those days._

"Yeah. Robin gets into one of those moods sometimes. Nightwing says he's got a lot of repressed anger that he needs to let out. It helps him stay zen and serious most of the time."

There's the sound of something sharp, like a knife or a batarang, hitting something metallic and hard, like a fridge.

" **I am not repressed, Jaime Reyes. You take that back! This refrigerator has challenged me and I never back down from a challenge. This fridge is gonna go down. You will see. YOU WILL ALL SEE!"**

"Just stay out of his way, hermano," Jaime says, ignoring the angry terror of the night in the next room, "Go out for breakfast or something."

Both boys watch as Robin draws his bo staff. Roy makes a noise that could have either been contemplation or unparalleled fear.

Then, because Jaime never claimed to be a saint...

"Wait until you see his rage-day sync up to the second day of Cassie's period. Nightwing hands leadership over to Batman on those days."

"I'm quitting."

Jaime just laughs.

"Dude, you can't quit. There is no quit button. It's like the mafia except meta powered. No one goes.  _They will find you._ "

Roy wonders how he should feel about the fact that the way Jaime says that makes it sound like it comes from personal experience.

* * *

 

"Stop putting your clothes in my closet, Roy. Nightwing thinks we're dating. He has sworn blood vengeance."

"Shit."

"Also, he wants to be the best man at our wedding. I'm not sure if this will be before or after the blood vengeance is exacted. I should ask."

_"Um, priorities Rob. Please get some."_

"All I'm saying is that if we're going to be married, I don't want you looking like death worked you over. So, I mean, the blood vengeance will have to come after, right?"

"I hate you so much. We aren't even dating!"

"Not if you keep up that kind of attitude."

* * *

 

Tim is that friend. That friend that you befriend because at first you think he is gentle and sweet and kind and really awkward and shy, but it is only a disguise, a disarming, mortal disguise, and they are actually a demon from hell come to eat your soul and insult your poor lifestyle choices. Who alternates between critiquing your clothes or dolling out death threats. And by the time you realize this, it is all far too late. You can't escape. You can't leave.

Jaime is that friend too. But a different one. He is that friend who just kind of looks at you and you just _know_  that he is judging you so hard. So so hard. And then he'll open his mouth and all it is is more judgement, but in the form of deadpanned sass. And when he's not judging you, he's still judging you only on a less harsh level because he is also on tumblr, judging someone else.

Cassie is that friend as well. She is that friend who will smile and cheer you up and drag you into an exploding building just because and only occasionally threaten your wellbeing and your future grandchildren.

And Bart is that poor sucker who really needs to make new friends.

And people think he's the crazy one.

* * *

 

"Nightwing..."

"Bart, no."

"But..."

"Garfield, no."

"It's just a few pets."

" _Just a few? That is a colony of penguins and an elephant seal. This is out of control. You are both out of control. Control yourselves. Or bring them to your own homes. I don't caee, but get them out of the cave before they poop or reproduce. Take the geese out for a walk while you're at it."_

"We never get to keep any pets."

Bart hums his agreement as he reaches up to pet Zip, the orangutan.

Dick takes five deep breaths and thinks of justice.

(Suddenly it's very easy to see how Bruce became so addicted.)

Bart and Garfield forget to take the geese out. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It looked a bit like a spleen and smelled a bit like imminent demise."

Conner avidly avoids the freshmen. 

Nightwing thinks it's because he's awkward. Artemis says it's because he doesn't have the patience to deal with rookies.

Now, both are valid points and Conner is man enough to own up to them, but they aren't the reason.

The reason is because all of them, the entire group of rookies, are all a very special brand of shit ass insane.

This was decided when one time Conner heard them all in the kitchen and went to check out what they were doing.

Big mistake.

He walked in to find Jaime securing Bart to a counter while Tim did something questionable with a stalk of broccoli and a head of lettuce next to them. Cassie was sitting in rapt attention and taking notes and Gar kept screaming "woohoo" for no reason. Meanwhile, La'gaan ignored all of them and continually drank water from a bowl at an alarming pace. 

And none of them even stopped when he walked in. They didn't even wave or nod. They just kept right on doing what they were doing with only one difference. 

All of them turned and made eye contact with him.  _All at the same time._

_All of them._

_And no one even paused in what they were doing._

So yes, Conner avidly avoids the freshmen.

* * *

 

Dick admits that he is a little biased. Tim is the cutest ever and no one can convince him otherwise.

M'gann is very much on the same boat with Gar.

Her and Dick sometimes get together and gush.

Tim says they're weird whenever they do and Conner always gives Tim this look when he says it.

Neither M'gann or Dick know what Conner is talking about with the demonic possession of the freshmen (and their baby brothers) and whatnot. That's ludicrous.

* * *

 

Roy is with Conner on the point of the Team's new rookies.

Because other Roy doesn't talk to him much, but when he does, it's always to bitch about something or the other his teammates did and ask if Roy ever had to go through this shit.

Which, no. No, Roy did not. Because that is just weird and why would teammates do that?

Also...

One time, when Roy was still on the Team, he came across Jaime, Tim, Cassie, Gar, and La'gaan all eating something out of an unmarked bag.

He went over to go see what it was and Tim said it was a snack that he had made himself. Then, naturally he offered Roy one. Cassie even vouched for its tastiness.

So Roy reached into the bag and took one.

What he pulled out was a squishy thing about the size of his hand.

It looked a bit like a spleen and smelled a bit like imminent demise. 

Roy looked around to the five of them, only to find them all munching happily on the "snacks".

Roy just put it back and excused himself.

He's got to be with Conner on this one.

* * *

 

Artemis doesn't really know what's up with these rookies, but they seem to scare and annoy Roy on equal levels.

And anyone who can do that gets her support.

* * *

 

Wally ate the food from the unmarked bag and thought it was delicious.

He doesn't know what Roy and Conner's problem is.

Sure, Bart's a bit annoying but even he's not that bad.

* * *

 

Kaldur tries not to think about his team's newest members too much. He still can't get his older teammates to act like grown adults.

One step at a time.

* * *

 

Zatanna is convinced they are all cursed and won't say why.

But she does admit that the new Robin's clothing and jewelry advice is always on point.

* * *

 

Barbara tries not to think to hard about the freshmen of the team either.

She's always known Tim is a very special breed of special.

It only stands to reason that his friends aren't much better.

* * *

 

There is a reason the League mentors try not to step in anymore. Especially when the youngest protégés are involved.

Honestly, only Batman can even handle being around them. And it's not the same because he chooses to live with Dick and Tim. He has an immunity. And stubborness issues.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The assignment was in China, but I just woke up from a head injury and this doesn't look like China."

"We watched the Moulin Rouge and Bart hasn't stopped singing 'Come What May' or crying for a week. Someone needs to take him home or take him out. I don't care, just shut him up."

Jaime Reyes prides himself in usually being a calm person. Not much riles him up really. But Bart can't even sing. What is the point of hearing a beautiful song over and over and over and over and over again if he can't even enjoy the dulcet sound of Ewan Mcgregor's voice in it?  _What even is the point?_

So he goes to Nightwing.

Who gives him a sympathetic look and a book of names and phone numbers.

"This is a list of people who can take out a speedster. Use it well. Use it wisely. I didn't give this to you.

....

....

...what.

* * *

 

"So wait, if you guys didn't kniw I was talking to my scarab, then you just all thought I was certifiable?"

"Yeah, basically," Tim says from behind Jaime.

Tim insisted on inspecting the scarab after Jaime told them. Jaime doesn't really know what that entails, but he thinks he heard something squish ominously a few minutes ago.

And by the looks on Cassie and Bart's face, he really really doesn't want to ask.

"I mean," Tim continues, "look, I was never a big deal if you were bonkers. You are our friend, Jaime."

Well, that's actually kind of sweet.

"And we decided early on that, as our friend, if you ever lost it and murdered someone that we'd all be there to support you, no questions asked. We even have been collecting bail money in an offshore account. We knew where we'd stand if push came to shove."

And there goes the sweet idea.

"Honestly, it's the fact that you're sane that is kind of throwing us off."

The scarab makes an alarming squelching noise and Jaime can't help but turn around to look.

And Tim freaking _slaps him in the face. What the fuck._

"Dude!"

"Really though," Tim continies as if Jaime had not just spoken and he had not just  _slapped a guy in the face_ , "I, at the very least, bonded with all of you under the assumption that you all had so very many issues, just like me, and were in various stages of self denial, just like me. And now I find out that you're actually sane, Jaime. This is a bit of a shock to me, you understand?"

"Um..."

"I mean, I'm not entirely sure how to handle a sane friend."

"Uh..."

"I've never talked to a well adjusted human before. I don't know what's appropriate or what."

"Dude, are you joking right now? I dress in big blue armor and help you guys battle animated penis statues that one disturbing time. I have issues."

Tim seems to consider this, as does Cassie and Gar.

"Blue, if it makes you feel better, I  _always_ knew you had many issues," Bart says.

"That means a lot to me, Bart."

"You're right," Tim says, sounding like an evil monarch making a royal decree, "you do have issues. I guess you can stay."

Stay? What would have happened if he didn't have issues, Jaime wonders.

"Now, Jaime, hold still. You may feel a little prick."

"OW. THAT IS NOT LITTLE!"

* * *

 

Tim rubs his head as he stands. Around him, the rest of his teammates rouse as well.

"Is Impulse breathing?"

"Si, hermano."

"Okay so we're mostly all here and no one is dead so far. Let's take the win and call this night a victory and head back."

Tim stands and everyone else stands with him. Blue has impulse slung over his shoulder like a sack.

"Rob?" Roy asks, "which way is back?"

"I'm working on it."

"Where are we even?"

"Details, details."

"Where. Are. We."

"Rude much?"

Tim takes a good look around. Where indeed...

"Well, the assignment was in China, but I just woke up from a head injury and this doesn't look like China. But head injury. So, for the sake of my poor, injured head, we will refer to this place as China."

"I think some lady is just ran by yelling Spanish, ese. I don't think..."

"I am mission leader, Blue. If I say this is China, then I don't care if the residents have 3 eyes and ooze purple slime--  **this is China, ok?** "

....

"This is Nightwing. Do you copy, Robin? Robin, are you there?"

"This is Robin."

"Where are you? My data is saying you..."

" _China. We are in China. Come pick us up. In China. Where we are._ "


	4. favorites

* * *

 

"So, I set off a grenade and all the cows are on fire. Can you send Impulse to help round their fat, rotund, on fire bodies? Thank."

 

"Nightwing never had to deal with this bullshit."

 

* * *

 

 

"Tim is coming over. Hope that's okay," Roy says as he chows down on his cereal with a passion. Let it never be said that Roy Harper is lacking in passion. He may lack in limbs, but never in burning, unyielding passion.

 

Ollie looks up from his own breakfast and raises an eyebrow.

 

"What is it with you boys and the Batkids? Me and Bats can hardly stand each other."

 

"First of all, you tried to set his cape on fire like twenty times so I wonder why you two don't get along. Second, don't compare Tim to Dick; it may be small and injured beyond hope, but Tim still has some semblence of a pride left in him. At least enough that he doesn't opt to go by, I don't know, Condom or Nipple or something. Third, Tim isn't even really my friend. He is coming over to-- and I quote-- 'check my room for anymore illegal and volitile explosives that were not pre approved by the team,' and if he finds any he's going to-- again quote-- 'stick them down my penis and wrap them around my pinky toes and have himself a spectacular explosion. Then, he's gonna let his ant farm slowly devour my warm, twitching, and bloody physical being'. I think he may still be mad about the last mission."

 

Ollie decides he needs to have a talk with Bruce about encouraging his children. When Dinah told him that he has to start being supportive, Ollie is pretty sure she meant a quick pat to the head and a thumbs up for math competitions won-- he is also very sure she didn't mean supporting his youngest's worrying violent tendencies.

 

"So yeah. Tim is coming over. I hope you're cool with that because if not, then you can feel free and tell him that. I on the other hand, have experimental grenades to somehow dispose of before one. Any ideas?"

 

Speaking of controlling your child's worryingly disturbed mindset...

* * *

 

 

"Did Wonder Girl just smack a man through a wall?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Did he deserve it?"

 

"Completely."

 

"Fine, but it's Bart's turn to explain to Nightwing."

 

"No! It's totally Cassie's."

 

"You little turdlet, it was my turn just last week!"

 

"Bart, we have a system. Don't mess with the system. I know where you live. I trained with Batman specifically to take you down."

 

* * *

 

 

"You aren't ready for these missions yet, kids. You're too young, impulsive, and inexperienced."

 

"..."

 

"First of all, how dare you. I am so offended..."

 

* * *

 

 

"Tim, you need to stop waging economic warfare with Bruce. He is sorry and is simply much too constipated to say it. But seriously, little brother, stop discreetly stealing millions from Wayne Enterprises and freaking Bruce out."

 

"What? Oh, Dick, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the sound of me in a new, million dollar car."

 

"And I thought Roy was the mean one..."

* * *

 

They all have favorites.

Among the senior members of the team, they all have their personal favorites among the freshmen. None of them have an issue with the others, they're all friends on this team, but they all have one that they like just that little bit more than the others.

Nightwing and Batgirl's are easily guessed. The new Robin is professional, typically silent, and a bit scary, but they ruffle his hair and send him little pointers anyways. On his first few runs with the team, they were the ones that got him to squeak in indignation. And to this day, none of the others will ever understand how they get the little Robin to blush so hard when nothing else seems to phase him. Nightwing calls it Big Brother Powers. Batgirl calls Nightwing a hyped up moron. Sure, they like the other freshmen. Nightwing is a teacher at heart and all the newer team members trust his advice implicitly, and there is no denying that Batgirl is very fond of Wonder Girl--but these are friends and collegues, and Robin is the scrawny little kid who knew all their names a begged for a chance to help. He's the kid they trained and watched grow.

Karen once joked that he's like their little love baby, a three way love baby--theirs and Batman's. There was no more talk of that after Dick promised to vomit all over her if she said another word-- and besides, both know for a fact that Tim's passive aggressive nature is Alfred-honed with just a hint more aggressive than the old butler uses so Tim would have to be Alfred's love child as well. Which is bad. So bad. Please stop.

So no. No love child. But he's definitely family of some kind. A mix between a beloved adopted kitten and a younger brother. And nothing trumps family.

M'gann's are easy to guess as well. Her younger adopted brother goes without saying. Gar is sweet and genuine and adores her; M'gann is religious with returning the favor. She feels a sort of personal responsibility for him--she did, after all, sort of make him.

M'gann's other favorite is La'gaan, but not because she's dating him. Rather, she likes him so she dated him. She's not too proud to admit that he may have been a bit of a rebound guy, but all the same she knows she got a good one. La'gaan's got a bit of a temper, sure, but it isn't even in the same league as Conner which did help when she chose him. She saw in him someone who was a bit like Conner but not completely. As time went on though, she began to enjoy his company, not just a not-quite-Conner's.

He did comfort her when they first met, so she always knew he was a good guy, but she came to learn other stuff too. He doesn't like losing spars, but doesn't pitch too much of a fit. He's certainly dedicated, he has to be in order to keep going at freaking Nightwing over and over. He's a hopeless romantic, thus all the mushy gushy. And he's actually pretty sensitive, being very hurt by the fear or disdain others regard him with.

So M'gann's rather set on her favorites.

Roy isn't sure what to feel about new (original?) Roy, but he knows he feels concern of some sort for him. Maybe it's the clone thing, but he's ready to bet it's more to do with how similar they are in all the worst of ways. And when Roy looks at the boy, he suddenly understands why the others were so worried about him. At the same time, the kid is always gentle with Lian; was right off the bat so that counted for something.

Wally likes Bart. He is annoying and bratty, but he's family. And for Wally, not much trumps family. And the kid's alright.  It's not often Wally can actually understand what another teen is going through so it's nice to be around Bart. Plus, there's something about Bart that's really sad. Kind of like an abandoned puppy that is suddenly really excited that he isn't alone.

Karen loves Cassie. Girl's got spunk and attitude and is damn good in a fight. Karen can remember when she used to be that excited for everything, and Cassie's energy is impossible not to catch.

Conner's comes as a bit of a shock to everyone, but there are precious few easier ways to make friends than to go to battle with a giant, reanimated golem together. Plus, something about Jaime reminds Conner of himself. The boy is new and scared, no mentors, no help, no one even close to being like him. But Jaime also manages to pull through. He's got friends, is popular, and works to control himself. And Conner can appreciate how hard those are to keep us after being thrust suddenly into the world of superheroing. 

All the while, Jaime still remains compassionate and kind. The kid tried to communicate with a giant alien golem, for god's sake!

A better version of Conner himself, in a way. And Conner can appreciate that.

 

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

Conner doesn't know Tim all that well. The new Robin is good on the field, a fast hacker, and a good field leader--beyond that, Conner knows next to nothing about the kid.

He just knows that he's Robin and he's young. And that apparently he argues with Batman.

Argues. With Batman.

"You'd never guess just looking at him, huh?" Dick asks. He still hasn't kicked that popping out of nowhere habit.

"He got the job questioning B, you know. Tim usually keeps his mouth shut, but the kid's the most moral person I know. If he has an issue, a real issue, he'll speak up."

"--AND YOU'D SEE THAT IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DRAMATIC, CONTROLLING, UNDER DEVELOPED BABOON!"

* * *

 

Rule Set--Take One

1\. Robin is no longer allowed to come into contact with refrigerators. If it is necessary for him to retrieve something from one, he is to seek the assistance of another member of the team. [R:  **It was one time. Let it go.** ] [NW: Let it goooo. Let it gooooooo.]

2\. Nightwing is no longer to sing anything.

3\. Disney is hereby banned everywhere forever. [NW: You can't ban it everywhere.] [R: Is this a challenge?]

4\. Jaime and Bart are no longer to do the nasty within 10 miles of the Cave. Seriously guys, take it home. Use protection. [BLUE:  ~~What in the world are you insinuating?~~ ] [ARSE: Shut up, you know exactly what we're insinuating.] [IMP: I am soooo insulted that you think we don't cover up. Jaime puts on like 2 condoms every time.] [BLUE:  _Dude!_ ]

5\. Cassie can no longer touch anything more delicate than Superboy without at least 30 seconds of preparation, meditation, and deep introspection on what her life has become. [WG: What about when I want to hug my boyfriend?] [R:  _Especially_ when you want to hug your boyfriend.]

6\. Roy's explosives are no longer going to be forcefully shoved down his dick as "punishment". [R: You make that sound so kinky. Maybe you want to reword that.] [NW:  **Roy's explosives are no longer to be forcefully shoved down his dick as "punishment" did I fucking stutter.** ]

7\. Nightwing is a dick and everyone is to refer to him as such. [IMP:  ~~Haha I get it.~~ ]

8\. No more cabbage in the Cave. We all know why.

9\. Khaji Da is no longer to be asked for relationship advice.

10\. "Offer the 'annoying ex-boyfriend' to the higher powers for immediate vivisection and reprogramming" is no longer to be considered viable relationship advice.

11\. STOP TAKING REALTIONSHIP ADVICE FROM A HOMICIDAL PIECE OF ALIEN TECH.

12\. Stop giving Robin bird seed. It won't end as well as you think it will. [KF: That boy has some serious issues. It was just a joke. It was supposed to be funny.  _I just wanted to make a funny_.] [R: Then laugh, Wally. Go ahead.  _No one is stopping you. Laugh._ ]

13\. Watching  _Pacific Rim_ is no longer an acceptable reason for skipping missions. 

14. "Lydia Martin feels" is no longer an acceptable reason for skipping missions.

15\. Stop flipping off Batman when he turns around. He can see you. [R: I'll stop when you do.] [NW: I'm the oldest. It's different.]

16\. Your underwear belongs on your buttocks and not stuffed in obscure areas of the gym.

17\. Everyone stop being naked.

18\. Don't listen to that poser. Keep being all the naked.

19\. Ignore rule 18.

20\. Ignore rule 19 AND rule 17. Ha.

21\. These rules are to be followed at all times.

22\. But don't get your hopes up. You'll be astronomically disappointed. 

* * *

 

"If you don't get rid of that goat yourself, I will kill it and skin it and wear it's pelt around my neck as a symbol of my dominance for any and all future pets to see."

"But Robiiiiiiin."

"WE'RE HAVING MEAT PIE FOR DINNER, KIDS!"

* * *

 

23\. Stop doing it for the vine. No please. Stop. People will die. They have families. Think of the families. 


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

 

"Robin, dude. Did you just break that guy's face?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. It's not totally broken. Not even like 45%. Just his left cheekbone. And maybe a jaw fracture. That's only 30% of his face at best. So no. No, I didn't. Not if you round it out."

"Crash"

* * *

 

"Bart is eating highlighters and no one is really sure what is happening any more."

"Someone go get Jaime."

* * *

 

"Tim, I feel that as your older brother I ought to inform you that sitting on your bed and making hissing sounds at the door is not healthy social interaction. You really should not."

"Hsssssssss."

"Tim..."

" _Team bonding. Hssssssss."_

"I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to suggest it. Please don't hide under your blanket. I need help with Gar."

" _hhssssssssssssssss."_

* * *

 

"I didn't sign on for any of this shit. I didn't ask to be possessed by an alien scarab. I didn't ask to share my brain with a complete and utter gooey turd cupcake with rotten sprinkles-- _shut up, you heard what I called you--_ I just wanted to pick up a cool looking blue rock and pass my math test. If I hadn't been out late studying this wouldn't have happened! It's all a math test's fault. I am going to die on an alien moon and it is  **all because of Algebra II Honors with Mr. Jonsell!** That is math's leagacy!  _ **THAT'S.  ALL. IT'S. GOOD. FOR."**_

"...is he okay?"

"Sh-shut up... I'm not cr-crying, you're crying!"

"It's okay, her-man-o. Let it all out."

" **I am an emotionally compromised teenager!** "

* * *

"I feed off the souls of your weak unless a sacrifice is offered."

"Coffee's in the pot, Cassie."

"It is adequate."

 

 


	8. Roytim (kinda)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There are twelve thousand roses in my room. Covering my floor. And my bed. So, either I'm getting hitched tonight or someone is going to bleed for this."

* * *

 

Gar and Bart sing  _Titanium_ by Sia every time they are in the showers. Every. Time.

At first, it was weird. Then, it was funny. Then cute. Then annoying. Now? Now Nightwing is a little scared.

Every time.

Unfailingly. 

Have you every heard  _Titanium_ 397 times in a large, echo-able room? Sung by two prepubescent boys? It's like _The Shining_ but, like, worse.

"Honestly, Dick," Tim says, as if  _Dick_  is the one being unreasonable and odd here, "Missions are hard. What's wrong with them having a bit of fun?"

"Every. Time."

"It's part of their routine. Let them be. Wake up, eat breakfast, meditate and think about the blood of your enemies running through your hands as you laugh in a slow, maniacal manner, sing in the shower. What's so wrong about that?"

"I disown you, you freak."

"I'd be upset if you actually  _owned_ anything of circumstance."

* * *

 

Tim stomps out of his room.

"There are twelve thousand roses in my room. Covering my floor. And my bed. So, either I'm getting hitched tonight or someone is going to bleed for this."

Silence fills the room.

"Speak up and choose your words wisely. You can either come out of this with a blushing bride or a few pints of your blood spilling onto the Cave floor."

Bart snorts.

"Do you find marriage and/or death funny, Bartholomew?  ** _Is my life a joke to_ _you?_** _"_

"No, no," Bart replies, putting his hands up, as if that will block out his team leader's wrath and fire, "I just have a hard time seeing you as a 'blushing bride'."

"Excuse. I am the blushing-est bride that has ever existed! You take that _**back**_!"

Everyone jumped as Robin screeches out the last word like some angry eagle demon, arrived on Earth just to devour souls and wreak vengeance on those who defy him.

"So," Jaime says carefully, "Are you wooed or...?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"Whether or not those flowers were hand picked by virgin cows from the rolling hill of Sweden or just some cheap, store bought ones. I might be crazy and more than slightly bloodthirsty, but I have _ **standards,**_ Jaime."

"Dude," Bart whispers, leaning over to look at Roy, "I honestly can't tell what answer will spare your life at this point. **Run**."

* * *

 

"How are you so evil, and yet, so beautiful?"

Tim laughs, hollow and menacing, like beautiful silver bells that signal death. 

Roy is kind of turned on. Roy is kind of scared. Roy is very confused and has no idea what he wants anymore.

* * *

 

"Nightwing just challenged me to a duel for your honor."

"Really?"

"Yeah. There's a formal letter and everything."

"What's it say?"

"Not much. Just, ' _ **TO THE**_ **DEATH!'"**

"Oh, I though for sure he'd go for the, ' _Trial by Fire and Disembowelment_.'"

"What the fuck even is that?"

"Well, what's it sound like silly? He would disembowel you after throwing you into a fire. If you survived, then your intentions towards me are pure and you would be allowed to live with only minor stipulations on your free will."

"I am sorry to inform you that we are breaking up."

"Ohh."

"What?"

" _That's_ actually even worse."

"...shit."

* * *

 

Roy licks the back of Tim's neck.

"Roy, don't you dare--"

"I crave that mineral."

No one sees Roy for a long time afterwards.

* * *

 


End file.
